Works Every Time
by Julia451
Summary: <html><head></head>An alternate ending to the scene in "Big Trouble With Little Slimer" when Walter Peck comes to take Slimer. This time, Peck fails. Why? Because bookworm Winston Zeddemore remembers a certain novel's strategy for dealing with government looters: don't fight them, but don't lift a finger to help them.</html>


Winston couldn't say which was harder to control at the moment – the urge to punch Peck right in nose, or the urge to burst out laughing. He couldn't help but find the situation hilarious; he felt like he'd been teleported back to the playground of his elementary school, facing the bully demanding his lunch money. That was all Peck was – an overgrown bully looking for the easiest target, picking on the weakest, most helpless victim he could find. Peck knew he was no match for them, so he went after a harmless little creature who couldn't fight back. It was too absurd _not_ to find hilarious: five strong, intelligent, fearless, powerful heroes held at the mercy of a pathetic, weak, spineless, sniveling coward. And they were forbidden to defend themselves from him – in the schoolyard, you could stand up to the bullies, but in the "real" world, a piece of paper could order you to let them walk all over you, do what they pleased, and take what they wanted.

_We can't let him get away with this!_ Winston screamed in his mind. But what could they do? How could they stop him from taking Slimer? If they refused, he knew Peck would make sure they lost their business, if not their freedom. But unless they could find a good lawyer within the next five seconds, they had no way to legally stop him. They had to find a way, but how? He could tell by looking at his friends' faces that their minds were racing as fast his own, but nothing was coming to any of them – they all felt equally powerless.

_Calm down – we're not the first ones this has ever happened to_, Winston told himself. How did other people fight bureaucratic bullies abusing their power? What did people usually do in this situation, besides give up and sulk? He tried to think of anything he'd heard of in the past that might help them now, anything he'd seen or read...

"_All right you... whatever-you-are, into the box!"_

It was that order for their little friend to enforce his own sentence, the command to do what his enemies were physically unable to force him to do, the admission that they needed his consent and active cooperation to hurt him, that made Winston remember. There _was_ a way to fight people like this! There was only one way, and he now took back every cruel thing he'd ever thought about the professor who made him toil through that novel in college. But they had to act fast. He needed some time.

Peter was the one standing nearest to him. Winston grabbed his shoulder, leaned over, and quickly whispered to him, "Keep him talking." Without pausing, he moved back to Janine and took Slimer in his arms, as if he was comforting him or intended to protect him, and hurriedly began whispering in his ear.

"_I warn you, Ghostbusters – cooperate on this, or I'll close you down __**permanently**__."_

Peter didn't know what his friend was up to, but he trusted he had a plan. He turned to Peck and said, "You do that. We'll have the calls forwarded to _your_ office, so you can explain to people with ghost problems why no one will be coming to help them."

"Yes, you wouldn't want that on your conscience, would you, Venkman?"

While Peck was talking, Peter turned around and nodded at his other two teammates, telling them frantically with his eyes, _Stall him_. Ray stole a quick glance back at Slimer and Winston and then said, "Slimer had nothing to do with what happened between us, Peck. Leave him out of this and deal with us."

"This has nothing to do with past violations. I have the authority to protect the public from this potential threat, and I intend to do my duty."

Egon followed his lead. "Slimer is not a threat, and you know it!"

Peter smirked when Peck retreated a step, as if he thought the controlled, stoic scientist was going to lunge for his throat like he had the last time Peck had pushed him too far. "That will be for the boys in the lab to determine."

Janine, who had gotten the message as well, stepped forward and glared at Peck with murder in her eye – no way he was getting past her again! "Remember what happened the _last_ time you and your experts came here to _protect the public from a potential threat_, Mr. Peck? Do you _really_ want to go through that again?"

Peck's smug grin faltered just a fraction; he recovered almost instantly but hesitated a second before responding, leading Egon to believe this was the first thing any of them had said that actually caught his attention. Peck turned (almost as if in fear) from Janine's smoldering gaze to Peter, and said, "You remember what happened the last time you didn't cooperate with me, don't you, Dr. Venkman? Perhaps you'd like to remind your colleagues how that turned out and ask them if they'd like to go through that again." Egon and Ray grabbed Peter in time to hold him back. Peck waited a few seconds, as if savoring the sight, before continuing: "This is your last warning, Ghostbusters: give us the ghost, or pay the price."

"Fine!" Winston's teammates froze, unable to believe their ears, and slowly turned around towards him in unison. Winston stood there, glaring at Peck and his cronies, with his arms crossed and Slimer, wearing an identical glare, bobbing in the air next to his left shoulder. "You want him, take him," Winston said, gesturing to the little green guy. "He's all yours – we won't try to stop you."

Peter recovered from the shock first. "Winston, what are you..." He was about to run towards him, but Ray grabbed his shoulder and, in the instant when Peter looked back at him, quickly shook his head; he could tell by the look in his partner's eyes that this was part of his plan, whatever it was.

"You heard the man, Peter," Winston said calmly. "He wants us to cooperate, we'll cooperate. Mr. Peck, I promise you we will not make a single move to prevent you from taking this ghost." Janine opened her mouth and made a move towards him and Slimer, but before she could say a word, Winston turned to face her directly and repeated, slowly and deliberately, "We won't make a _single move_," and she stopped, although out of nothing more than confusion.

Egon screwed up his eyes in concentration – what was Winston up to? It seemed familiar somehow...

Peck pointed at Slimer and said, "You've wasted enough of my time – I swear, hand over the ghost, or..." before his brain screeched to a halt. He blinked and then said, clearly bewildered, "What did you say?"

"You can have him," Winston said, grinning slyly. "We are complying with your request and handing over the ghost. We are doing exactly what that paper orders: allowing you to take the ghost staying here away with you."

Peck looked at each of the other Ghostbusters in turn, as if expecting someone either to argue with him some more or to explain what had just happened. Nobody said or did anything. Peter looked at Slimer; he didn't seem scared or hurt by what his friend was saying – what were the two of them planning? It was the police officer standing behind Peck and his assistant who finally broke the silence by asking impatiently, "Well, then, what are we waiting for?"

Peck shook himself out of his stupor. "Nothing. Giving up, eh? Smart move." He had put his disgusting smile back on but couldn't entirely hide the disappointment in his voice – he'd obviously come here expecting a bigger battle and to leave his defiant adversaries crushed in defeat, not resigned to a dignified surrender. "All right..." He pointed down into the box again and waited. When no one did anything, he said, "Well, let's get on with it."

"Get on with what?" Winston asked innocently.

"Putting him in the box."

"Sure – be our guest," Winston told him. Janine and Peter exchanged a calculating look, both of them starting to realize what was going on. The look of resolve that passed between Ray and Egon showed they were already there.

Peck raised his eyebrow and said, "Excuse me?"

Winston took a few steps to the right, away from Slimer. "You want him, there he is. We've given him to you. Aren't you gonna take him?"

Peck stared at him as if he was speaking a foreign language. "Ye-e-e-e-s... but... but you have to..."

Winston turned to Peter. "Peter, was there anything on that paper _ordering_ us to place Slimer in that box?"

Peter blinked twice and then smiled as everything clicked. "No, Winston – like Mr. Peck said, it was a warrant for his arrest. It said he was allowed to take him and forbade us to stop him." He turned his back on Peck and winked at Winston to show he understood.

Winston nodded at his friend, then, still smiling, turned back to their visitor. "You heard the man, Mr. Peck – you want him in that box, you can put him in there yourself."

They all stepped farther away from Slimer, creating a clear path to the ghost. Peck clenched his fist tightly in annoyance, but his voice was impressively flat when he said, "Very well." He walked towards Slimer and signaled for his companion to push the box behind him. "All right, get inside."

The green ghost closed his eyes, crossed his arms, and shook his head. "No."

Peck simply blinked – evidently, this was one reaction that had never occurred to him. He cleared his throat and said in his most authoritative tone, "As a representative of the B.U.F.O., empowered the New York State government, I hereby order you to get in the box!"

"No!" Slimer repeated, and blew him a raspberry. Peter was tempted to join him but restrained himself.

Peck was starting to lose his temper. "You slimy little... get inside, now!" He walked right up to the ghost and reached his arms up to grab him, but Slimer floated away from him. Peck reached for him again, and Slimer dodged him again. This routine continued for a while, with Peck repeatedly trying to grab the ghost, and Slimer moving out of his reach every time. The Ghostbusters didn't move an inch but stood solidly in place, watching the show, helping neither of them. Finally, an out of breath Peck looked helplessly from one Ghostbuster to another again. "Well, what are you waiting for? Put him in there!"

"Go right ahead," Ray told him. "We're not stopping you."

"I'm warning you – if you don't cooperate, you will be charged with interfering with an arrest!"

"Who's interfering?" Peter asked. "Egon, have we interfered with this man's mission to collect this ghost?"

"No, Peter, no one is interfering. If he's unable to capture the ghost, that's not our fault."

"Enough of this!" Peck pointed at the policeman and then at Slimer. "You, arrest him!"

"What do you want me to do, shoot him?" the cop asked, sounding thoroughly bored.

Winston stepped close to Janine and asked in a stage whisper, "_Shall he strike at it with his partisan?_", and they both laughed.

"Callahan!" Peck barked at his assistant. "Get him in there!"

The man pushed the box right underneath Slimer, who simply drifted a few feet higher above them. "How am I supposed to do that, boss?"

"That does it!" Peck pointed at each of the Ghostbusters. "You're all in violation of..."

Janine interrupted him with, "We've violated nothing. We haven't done anything."

"Exactly! You are required to..."

"To _let_ you take Slimer," Winston reminded him. "Which is exactly what we're doing. Nothing requires us to _help_ you capture him."

"Don't play games with me! You could get him in there if you wanted to!"

"But... we _don't_ want to," said Ray, as if surprised that it was necessary to point this out.

"You are ordered to..."

"Ordered to _want_ you to arrest him?" Peter asked.

"I wonder how they plan to enforce that," Egon said next.

"I don't care _what_ you want, you are ordered to surrender that ghost!"

"We just did," said Winston.

"You didn't..."

Egon generously spelled it out for him: "Slimer is not an inanimate object. He's a sentient, independent individual with free will. He is not bound to us in any way. We don't own him, and we can't control him..."

"Believe me," said Peter, "I've been trying for over three years."

Egon raised his voice and went on: "... The bottom line is, you've ordered us to cooperate, and we have. We have no control over whether or not _Slimer_ chooses to cooperate. You're welcome to give him whatever orders you like – we cannot make him obey them."

Peck stared wide-eyed at Egon as if his brain was unable to make any sense of the sounds coming out of the man's mouth. His confidence seemed to come back, however, after he turned around and looked back up at Slimer for a bit. "All right, if that's the way you want to play it... It's your choice, ghost – come quietly, or we shut your friends' business down forever!"

Slimer looked worriedly down at Winston, who nodded at him, his eyes narrowed in fearless determination. Slimer gulped and looked defiantly back at Peck. "Make me!"

"Augh!" Peck snarled in frustration. He grabbed the nearest object that wasn't nailed down – a pencil cup from Janine's desk – and flung it at the hovering green glob. Slimer yawned as it passed harmlessly through his goopy body.

Unable to hold back any longer, Peter asked, "What are you waiting for, Peck? Aren't you going to take him? Nobody's stopping you."

"I can't!" Peck gasped as he realized what had just slipped out of his mouth.

"Hmm, too bad," Winston observed, patting him encouragingly on the shoulder.

"Yeah, tough luck," Ray added.

"He's breaking the law!" Peck growled at them.

"So, punish him," Janine suggested.

"We can't help that," Winston added.

Just in case he didn't get it, Peter said, "Not our fault."

"Indeed not," Egon confirmed. "We can't control whether Slimer complies with his arrest or not."

Peck shook his head. "Oh, no, you don't... You're harboring a fugitive on your premises, and if you don't help me capture him right now, I'll, I'll..."

"Uh, what _can_ he do, officer?" Peter asked the cop.

"Today, nothin'. No one's breakin' any laws here, and I don't get paid to catch ghosts – can we go now?"

"No! I am not leaving without that ghost. Now help me catch him, or you'll all be arrested!"

"We're not required to help you do anything," Ray said firmly. "Arresting Slimer is your job, not ours."

"Don't get smart with me! You are ordered to hand over that U.F.O.!"

"We did," said Janine.

"I have the authority..."

"We're not questioning that," said Peter.

"You are ordered to cooperate!"

"We are," said Winston.

"No, you're not!"

"In what way?" Egon asked.

"You're not helping me!"

"Officer, are civilians required to assist government agents in making arrests?" Janine asked.

Peck didn't give the man time to answer but immediately barked, "I am ordering you to help me apprehend that U.F.O.!"

"All right." Once again, everyone looked questioningly at Winston. "How?"

No one, however, looked more confused than Peck. "What?"

"How do you suggest we 'apprehend' him?" Winston clarified.

"I... I..."

"Tell us exactly what to do, and we'll do it."

"If I knew how to capture him, I'd do it myself."

"If you don't know how, what makes you think we do?" Winston smiled and winked at his teammates, who nodded in response – they got it.

"Don't be ridiculous! You're the Ghostbusters! You can catch any ghost!"

Egon offered, "If you'd like a list of the ghosts we've failed to catch, I'd be happy to..."

"He's _your_ friend! Make him come with us!"

"How?" all five of them asked together.

"Enough games! Do it!"

"How?" Winston repeated.

"Do it now!"

Winston sighed and looked around at his friends. "All right." He stepped underneath Slimer. "Slimer, get in the box."

The ghost shook his head. "Nuh-uh!"

Winston turned to Peck and shrugged. "You heard him. Sorry, can't do it."

"Let me try." Peter walked over and reached above his head towards the ghost, who was well out of reach. Peter shrugged, too. "Sorry, can't do it."

Ray took a ghost trap out of the back of Ecto-1 and aimed it at Slimer, who easily flew out of the path of energy. "Sorry, can't do it," Ray said with a shrug.

Egon went and pulled his proton pack out of his locker. He came back and shot a stream right at Slimer, but he effortlessly dodged it. He shot three or four more blasts before giving up and shrugging. "Sorry, can't do it."

Gritting his teeth and clenching both his fists in pure rage, Peck turned slowly towards Janine. She cupped her hand around her mouth and called out, "Slimer, we order you to get in the box!"

"No way, Jose!"

Janine crossed her arms and shrugged. "Sorry, can't do it."

Winston wrapped it up with, "We are unable to capture that ghost, Mr. Peck."

"You're lying!"

"Prove it," said Peter.

"You seriously expect me to believe you can't capture that ghost?!"

"Hey, we tried," Ray reminded him. "You saw us."

"You weren't _trying_!"

"Yes, we were," Janine said calmly.

"You weren't _seriously_ trying!"

"How do you know that?" Winston asked him.

"You barely did anything!"

"We did all we're capable of," argued Egon.

"You did not! You're..." Peck managed to catch himself before he admitted what they all knew he was about to say. Ray and Peter laughed anyway.

Winston let them laugh for a few seconds before saying, "If you can prove we're capable of catching that ghost and disobeyed your order to catch it – which you have no authority to give us anyway – go right ahead. I don't know how you go about proving stuff like that, but..."

"Fine! I'll catch it myself!" Peck stormed over to Egon and grabbed the particle thrower out of his hands. Egon unstrapped it from his back and let it fall to the floor as Peck aimed the weapon at Slimer. "How do you work this thing?"

"Get an order requiring me to teach you how to use a proton pack, and I'll obey," was Egon's only response.

"Cooperate with my arrest, and tell me how to work this thing!"

Egon looked him directly in the eyes and asked, "How do you know what I tell you to do won't make you blow yourself up?"

Peck stared silently back at him for a second before saying, "You wouldn't dare..."

"If I did, you couldn't stop me."

After another pause, Peck chuckled, "Come on, we all know you wouldn't..." He looked a little nervously at everyone else around him, but nobody said anything, although Peter had his fingers crossed. He turned back to Egon. "Show me how to work this thing."

"Aim and press this button," the inventor said in a flat monotone.

Peck aimed, hesitated, and pressed. The weapon made a noise, but nothing else happened. "You lied to me! Show me how to use this!"

"I did. It must be malfunctioning."

"You're lying!"

"Prove it."

"I... I..." Egon was stunned to realize that it only _just now_ dawned on Peck that it was impossible for him to prove that what anyone said about a machine was a lie if he had no idea how it worked himself – clearly, they had overestimated his intelligence.

Peck finally decided to abandon that idea and threw the gun on the floor. "All right, Ghostbusters – you've had your fun, but the game's over. Give me the U.F.O. you have been ordered to give me, or..."

"We _did_, Mr. Peck," Winston informed him one more time. "We're not stopping you from taking him. If you _can't_ take him, that's not our fault."

Peck went over to Winston, chuckling, although whether from malice or madness, nobody could tell. "All right, have it your way," he said once he was in Winston's face. "But I'm not leaving here until I get that ghost, no matter how long it takes!"

Slimer floated down until he was a few inches above Peck's head. "Bye bye!" he said, waving and smiling. With that, he rocketed away, leaving a big glob of slime on Peck's face as he took off. None of the Ghostbusters bothered to restrain their laughter as Peck fell to the floor and Slimer phased through the wall on his way out of the firehouse.

"What the..." Swiping furiously at his slime-covered face, head, and shoulders, Peck jumped to his feet and ran out the front door. Everyone else stayed where they were and waited until he came back, screaming, "He's gone! Where'd he go?!"

Winston shrugged again. "How should we know?"

Peck grabbed him by his lapels and shook him as hard as he could; Winston did nothing. "Don't even try it! You told him to run! You helped him escape! You..."

The cop laid his hand on Peck's shoulder. "Sir, if you don't release him, I'll be forced to arrest you for assault." Winston took the opportunity to give Peck a smug grin of his own before he let go of him.

"We did nothing of the sort." Egon pointed to the officer and Callahan. "You two are witnesses that we did nothing to help that ghost escape. We did not tell him to flee, we did not take him anywhere, we did not hinder Mr. Peck's attempts to arrest him at all. Mr. Peck was unable to capture him, but we are not responsible."

Peck got right in Egon's face next. "We'll see about that! You'll all rot in jail for this!"

"For what crimes?" Janine asked.

"Aiding and abetting..."

"How?" Winston asked before he could get any farther. "What did we do?"

"You... you did nothing!"

"Exactly," said Peter. "Glad we agree on that."

"You were obligated to help me!"

"We were unable to help you," said Ray.

"You were not!"

The five friends stepped next to each other and said, "Prove it."

Peck looked up and down the line of challenging stares like he was facing a firing squad. Peter brought it to a merciful end by saying, "Press all the phony charges you want, Peck – since you got nothing on us, all it'll mean is more bad publicity for you. Bet your bosses will love that."

Peck responded by asking in his most threatening tone, "Did you forget who I am, Dr. Venkman? I am an agent of the New York State government, with all the powers, privileges, and resources therein at my disposal. Do you have any idea how miserable I could make life for the five of you?"

"Only if we help you do it." Peck shuddered before shifting his gaze from Peter to Winston, who glared at him with the most thorough disgust and loathing as he said, "Didn't you see what just happened, Peck? You couldn't do a thing to Slimer unless he let you. The only way you could've taken him was if he went willingly – you had no power to make him. You had no way to force him. You _needed_ him to do it for you. You needed _us_ to do it for you. You need _us_ to carry out your threats _against _us _for_ you. You can't threaten us with anything you don't need us to give you or do for you. You can't hurt us unless we help you do it. And we're supposed to be afraid of you?" He paused and gave Peck the opportunity to respond; when it became obvious he wasn't going to take it, Winston continued: "Here's a tip: next time you threaten us, make sure it's something that doesn't involve giving an order you can't enforce to a ghost you can't physically force to do anything."

Peck continued to stand there, but nobody could tell if he was seething in silent fury, paralyzed by shock and confusion, or frozen in fear. Peter finally got bored with the sight, cleared his throat, and said, "Janine, it seems Mr. Peck has lost his way. Would you kindly show him the way out?" Something about the statement seemed to restore Peck to his faculties, as he looked quizzically at Janine.

"Certainly, Dr. Venkman," she said sweetly, with a sweet smile to match. The men fell back as their secretary moved to the side and gestured toward the front door. "I believe this interview is over, gentlemen, unless you have any further business here?" Neither the policeman nor Callahan showed any interest in pursuing the issue. "Mr. Peck, as the ghost you need to arrest in the interest of public safety is no longer here, I suggest you go look for him – surely you have no wish to delay a matter so urgent."

Her calm, easy manner, as if nothing that had happened today had caused the slightest inconvenience for her or her employers, was apparently too much for Peck. He moved towards her with his arm raised, probably without conscious thought but nonetheless threatening. Egon and the officer moved in the same instant, one to put his arm around Janine's shoulders, the other to pull back Peck's wrist. Janine stared at him without the tiniest flinch.

Peck wrenched his arm free and let it fall by his side. "You think you're so smart, don't you?" he said through clenched teeth, his gaze traveling over each of them until it ended on Winston, the one who had started the whole fiasco. "Well, this isn't over. You'll see. I'll be back, and next time, you'll be _begging_ me to let you cooperate."

"We don't cooperate at the point of a gun."

Winston hadn't meant to say it. He certainly didn't expect Peck to jolt as if he recognized where it came from, but what he said next confirmed it: "Oh, please... who do you think you are – John Galt?"

Winston needed three seconds to recover from his astonishment, but when they were over, he said, in the easiest, most casual tone, "No – I'm not a sociopath. I prefer to think of myself as Eddie Willers."

Egon spoke next: "Personally, I've always identified with Hank Rearden."

"Ellis Wyatt," Peter said with a smile. "Guy's got style."

"Quentin Daniels," said Ray.

"Gwen Ives," Janine said last.

Peter looked at her with his eyebrow raised in surprise. "Really? Not...?" It was then that Peck, unable to bear their blasé attitude towards his powerful, threatening presence, stormed away without waiting for Janine, his companions following apathetically behind. Peter hummed Miss Gulch's theme from _The Wizard Of Oz_ until the front door slammed closed behind them.

Winston had just enough time to say, "And stay out," before he found himself being smothered by his friends and their thanks and congratulations.

"You evil genius, you!" Peter managed to say through his laughter.

"Brilliant!" he heard Ray say while Janine knocked the wind out of him with her hug. "Absolutely brilliant! I can't believe none of us thought of it!"

"You guys' heads are full of science," Winston explained once Janine released him. "Mine's full of what I've read. That's why I thought of it first."

"Maybe I should start reading..." Peter wondered aloud.

"I can't believe you've actually read _that_, Peter," Egon admitted.

"Only enough to get a C in that class..."

"I can't believe that actually worked!" Ray said breathlessly.

"Let alone so splendidly," said Egon. "You not only saved Slimer, Winston, but you saved us from any justifiable legal repercussions within the letter of the law."

Janine's face suddenly fell. "But now Slimer's gone."

"You say that like it's a bad thing." Egon held Janine back before she could strangle Peter for that crack.

"Better he's free out there than locked up as Peck's guinea pig, Janine," Ray said tenderly.

She sighed, unable to deny that. "I know, but when will he be able to come back?"

Egon assured her, "He's a ghost. He can phase through the ground and inside anytime without being seen by anyone outside."

Winston agreed, "Yeah, but I'm guessing Peck will be keeping a close eye on us for a while waiting for that to happen. That's why I told him to stay clear for a few weeks."

"So he knew what you were up to all along?" Peter asked the conspirator.

"Yeah, I told him everything – not to worry about us, not to do anything they said no matter what, and to just run for it, that they couldn't stop him."

Egon put his hand on Janine's shoulder again. "We'll see him again, Janine. But he's safest away from here right now."

Janine looked up with a smile. "I know. He's safe and free – that's all that matters. Way to go, Winston."

"Couldn't have done it without you guys," he replied. "I didn't know you would know where I got it, but I was hoping you'd figure out what I was doing in time."

"Of course we've read it," Ray said incredulously. "What businessman hasn't?"

"It was a bold move," said Egon. "How could you be sure it would work?"

Winston couldn't resist answering, "Because A is A."

* * *

><p>… <em>and Walter Peck is a textbook Ayn Rand villain<em>.


End file.
